Jericho Satire Express – Poo Spoof

Jericho Committee Considers Dog Diaper Station at Mobbs.

JERICHO, VT – The Mobbs Farm Trail Committee recently surveyed the Jericho Community about preferred use of Mobbs Farm Trails. The majority of folks responding to the survey chose poop free trails where their dogs could run amidst wildlife in a clean paw friendly park with no deposits to interfere with (the dogs) sniffing out the territory.

To ensure compliance for a clean paw park, the committee first placed an ad in the local Mountain Gazette as well as the New York Times, and in the Weird News section of the Huffington Post. The ad reads, “WANTED: POO FAIRY – can be metaphysical, supernatural, or preternatural. We follow Fairy hiring practices; we have no prejudice towards short stature, green clothes, and hair. Must be able to exercise magic powers to benevolent ends, I.E. insure folks bring their dog poop back with them when they leave the park.

“Moreover, must be able to intervene in irresponsible dog-walkers affairs, via magic transportation of trail deposited dog poo to someplace under their car seat.

“Diminutive, delicate, beautiful ageless winged woman attire of diaphanous white clothing welcomed. Coveralls, gloves and lots of perfume provided. Gnomes need not apply. Nor Goblins – too ill-tempered. No Pixies as they are a bit too mischievous. However, Hobgoblins are acceptable, though we have no hearth to offer comfort on cold nights.”

Having received no responses to the Ad, the committee membership concluded that Poo Fairies had all passed away.

In order to educate the public of their passing (a sad day for us all), a sign of funerary art was installed at Mobbs, with the practical purpose of reminding dog walkers of the Poo Fairies’ demise.  

All dog walkers must now have their hand stamped with a ‘dog paws’ ink stamp before entering the park. Upon exiting the park those who demonstrate they respectfully carried their dog’s poo back with them to be properly disposed of, will receive a special wipe that removes the paw print from their hand. Those dog owners, who leave their dog’s poo on the trail, will not receive the special wipe. The inked paw print will only fade away in the time it takes for a plastic bag of dog poo to disintegrate - about 1,000 years.

Alas, it seems there will always be believers in Poo Fairies. Why else would they leave dog poo wrapped in plastic – a sort of double jeopardy for our trials?

For those folks, the committee will offer Dog Poo Catchers - reusable dog diapers. The Waste Terminator Station includes a diaper vending machine and changing station. All diapers are made of cloth, which if left behind, as opposed to kept on the dog’s behind, will decompose sooner than a plastic doggy bag and cause less harm. If you refuse to pick it up, don’t let it drop onto the ground – use Dog Poo Catchers.

Once a dog diaper-wash service is available, vending operations will commence. Dog Poo Catchers in five bright vibrant colors are coming soon. A portion of every purchase goes to Jericho RDO – Jericho Responsible Dog Owners to help defray the cost of picking up after the irresponsible drop and walk away poo’ers.

If you spot someone not picking up after their dog - leave him or her an anonymous gift – Dog Poo Hide-A-Key. Realistic empty boxes labeled “Dog Poo Hide-A-Key Free Sample” are available at the vending machine. Just fill it with the product material they left behind, and then drop it off by their front door.

Want to avoid the embarrassment of getting caught leaving behind your dog’s poo - but afraid you might forget to pick up the bagged waste? Consider Forget Me Not Ventilated Storage Bags to store your poo bag with a built-in clip for your car keys. Never again, drive away from the park without your dog’s poo!

IF, and there will still be one or two – you know who you are. IF you still feel the desire to leave your dog’s poo behind, please use the poo bags labeled “my dog’s SHIT”. Own your behavior.

Your dog is perhaps, cute, but most likely does not have opposable thumbs. We don’t want the poop. Please clean up. 

The increasing incidences of lost dogs (even though the owners were ‘in control’) at Mobbs drove the committee to respond with infrastructure and technology. Skirting Vermont’s billboard laws is tricky. However, the committee has found a loophole enabling them to install a large billboard and a kennel at the entrance to Mobbs for Lost and Found Dogs. Dog owners may post messages to their dogs on the billboard. For example, “Lassie, please come home, we miss you.” In addition, perhaps, “Darn-it Buster, this is the third and last time I let you off your lead. I am the master; I am in command of you. Now get your butt home right now.”

For a small fee, dog owners can rent a dog phone so that the dog and owner, if separated, can at least keep in touch until reunited. Specially designed phone number keypads accommodate a variety of paw sizes. Google will translate woofs, howls, and barking of nearly all types into sounds the owner will understand. Commands from humans to the dogs are limited to sit, rollover, and ET Phone home.

I think the Mobb’s Farm Committee is barking up the right tree with these ingenious ideas and implementations, along with efforts to educate the public about responsible dog ownership.

Support your Local Dog Businesses 

Jericho PPups (Poop Pick Up Service). Think picking up dog poop is gross while recognizing that:  1. Your dog cannot pick it up, 2. Dog poop is bad for the environment, drinking water, and public health 3. No fun to step in it. 4. Dog poop can last up to one year to break down and still leave bacteria and parasites in the soil - harmful to dogs and humans. Then hire Jericho PPups. For a fee, we will follow you and your dog(s), pick up their poop, and properly dispose of it. Our fees are less than the fine you will receive for getting caught leaving dog poop behind. Alternatively, purchase a doggie vest and have your canine friend carry the poop. Be creative. Find an old coffee cup with a lid - line it with a doggie bag, fill, cover, carry it home for proper disposal. Might want to draw a large red X on the cup.

Jericho Dog Rescue, a new firm in Jericho Center is available for a small yearly fee, to teach dogs how to apply for licenses, obtain rabies shots, and help them to find a place to buy dog tags inscribed with a home phone number. Vanity dog tags are available for purchase as well. Vanity tags statements include:  “I will come when I am done chasing the squirrel, deer, bird, or other critters.”,  “Man - master over dog – not over me!”, and “Every dog must have his day”. Also available for a limited time, “I Rescued My Human.”

Man’s best digital friend Inc. is now offering the next best thing to owning a real dog – a digital dog. A digital dog needs to walk only on your schedule, leaves no hair anywhere especially not on your white sofa or new dress. Bathe your DD (digital dog) and blow-dry simply with an easily accessible phone App. Delegating potty breaks is a breeze.  Simply delegate the task to a digital poo fairy. However, you must execute a disc-clean up every month.

If your DD gets loose and lost, simply dial 933 or 9DD. The operator will instruct you on where to find your dog virtually every time. If your lost digital dog shows up at someone else’s house and they cannot kennel DD overnight, they can simply forward DD to you. However, you must receive her or him within 24 hours – otherwise, DD might panic – surrounded by all those zeroes and ones in software land.

Caution: when in public and in wildlife areas, be sure to stay in command of your DD at all times. Even a normally friendly and obedient loose DD can sometimes run errant.

Dog walking quotes: 

You’ll never walk alone, because I’ll always walk with you
unless I smell something interesting, then all bets are off.

You become responsible forever for whom you have tamed. 

~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry’s

Leave nothing behind except paw prints.

Own the dog – own the dog poo!

Locally sourced, Organic Jericho Satire for fun with a hint of serious thought for consideration.

Author's Note
Like most of my satirical writings, the dog poop writing is meant to be funny while retaining a sense of messaging. 

The messaging is not about dogs, but about the few dog owners who are irresponsible.  

I realize I took a risk that I might offend some dog owners. Please understand that is not my intention. I loved my dogs; I like other friendly dogs. I do not like seeing plastic bags of dog poop or unenclosed dog poop on the trails for reasons listed in the writing. This is not the dog's fault as I point out - they do not have opposable thumbs to pick up the poop. Moreover, I believe, most dog owners/walkers are responsible about clean up after their pet(s). 
  

 Our beloved dog Elliot, r.i.p.