Wednesday, August 7, 2019

JERICHO MAN LAMENTS ZUCCHINI PLANT FAILURE

Author's note: This time, this is not satire, well maybe just a wee bit of exaggeration, but definitely not satire. Still, this is not for the weak-stomached or over serious gardener - be forewarned!

The generosity of Jericho, Vermont gardeners is never as evident as when the inevitable overflow, dare I say cascading endless growth and accumulation of that endearing yet overbearing squash, the Zucchini erupts in August.

This year one Jericho resident reluctantly and with no small amount of embarrassment at being exposed at having a failed bed of Zucchini, received his just reward. None to share, none to harvest for Zucchini bread, pickles, sandwiches, quiches, cakes, Kebabs, Zucchini dip… Moreover none to sneak onto his neighbor’s porch on August 8, "National Sneak Some Zucchini Into Your Neighbor's Porch Day".

In Vermont in August, we measure not lessening daylight hours; Vermonters do not lament the soon-to-be-over hot weather of summer. We mark August by the few minutes it takes throughout the day and especially at night whereby Zucchini vines produce hundreds of tiny squash. Which, and don’t blink too many times or else, quickly grow into gargantuan, enormous, extremely big, large, massive, Yuuuuge, colossal, immense, tremendous, gigantic, giant, monstrous, mammoth, elephantine, mountainous, epic, king-sized, hefty, whopping, mega, jumbo, bumper crop of  gargantuan, ginormous Zucchinis. In short, a bumper crop by the minute, nearly every minute for days on end.

Now I do not like hyperbole nor are superlatives appropriate in the same sentence using the word Zucchini. Frankly, no hyperbole begins to create the image of what one Zucchini plant births in a single season.

One Jericho resident, though being meticulous with seed planting, using tweezers to obtain only a single seed in a no-wind environment, did somehow overlook a second clinging wannabe monster – a second Zucchini seed. Thus two Zucchini plants did take hold in this (withholding the name of this poor unfortunate soul until they recover emotionally from the trauma of being overrun by Zucchini vines and bruised by the until now considered docile vegetable.) - 

They took hold in this beautifully manicured garden of many types of vegetables from multi-colored carrots,

softball-sized onions, tomatoes (plentiful but behaved), not too small and not too large radishes, green, red, and yellow peppers (never enough), along with nasturtiums intertwined with peas and beans in their third harvest.
Meanwhile these two innocent-looking Zucchini plants bided their time, growing ever so slowly at first as not to draw attention to their overpowering, overwhelming, overtaking potential.

By early August little could be seen in this vast array of ripening vegetables of all colors except for a dense matt of vines covering every square inch and rapidly climbing the extended fence and barb wire racing towards the gardener's back porch.

The recorded 911 call from the gardener relays a call of, first shock, then desperation, followed by a lament – “Heaven help me, what am I going to do with this football field of Zucchini. Please help me. As fast as I pick them, they sprout two more. I started harvesting them onto my stretched-out shirt, then moved to five-gallon buckets, now if I wait even one day, a single Zucchini does not fit in my wheel barrel. In addition, I have hundreds of them – new ones EVERY DAY!


A weak remorse “I just did not see the second seed!”

Whereby the 911 respondent recites a well-worn phrase “Quietly, and discreetly, sneak some Zucchini onto your neighbor's porch.” It is only a crime if you are caught doing it. For goodness sake, we all do it!

Such that it is, few porches are left untouched or unburied with secret ‘donations’ in August. Residents are advised, as if they did not already know, too, (unlike in the other months of the year), to lock their car doors. It is embarrassing enough for one's porch to overflow with ‘donated’ Zucchini (Don’t you know how to make Zucchini bread, pickles, dip, butter, spaghetti sauce….?). How do you explain to the police officer that pulls you over for ‘obstructed view’ that your neighbors filled your unlocked car with Zucchini while you fell asleep on Zucchini sentry watch? The Vermont statutes for driving while intoxicated with Zucchini are unforgiving. Flatlanders beware.

Do you remember that (no) green thumb Jericho resident who FAILED at growing even a single Zucchini plant this year? Needless to say the opportunity of filling an empty porch with ‘donations” – well let's just say, the residents of Jericho are very, very generous with vegetable offerings in August. No, that resident’s porch is not turning green with mold and definitely not with envy from others. No, that resident is not short on recipes that use Zucchini – his mailbox fills with them daily. And no, that resident’s porch is not on fire, at least not yet. The flames are from an attempt to turn his ‘reward’ into a Guinness Book Record for the biggest Zucchini porch fry the world has ever seen.


Jericho residents beware the ‘clinging Zucchini’ seed, and if you somehow manage to NOT grow a Zucchini plant – FILL YOUR PORCH with basketballs, and footballs and bikes, and old washing machines, and mattresses. If you see a neighbor or relative approaching your house with a heavily laden bag, lock your house doors and windows, and do not answer the door. As for your car, lock it twice over, fill it with empty beer cans (the fine is lower), and for heaven’s sake do not fall asleep during the day and especially at night on “National Sneak Some Zucchini Into Your Neighbor's Porch Day.”

Please don’t fill our porch with Zucchini. Just because it is empty right now does not mean that I am that resident who failed to grow his Zucchini plant this year!

PS The last I heard the European record for a single Zucchini weighed in at 65 lbs. I believe they buried it with the guy it crushed when it rolled over onto him.

I relay this Jericho Story, because I will always believe in caring, and sharing, plus contribution and a wee bit of humor equals community; genuine relationships, trust, a place of belonging. 

Jericho Vermont Images of Community -  Intimate, caring, and personal; reflecting the community and its stories.
Published by Bernie Paquette  Follow @https://www.facebook.com/JerichoVTImages/


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