Locally sourced, Organic Jericho Satire for fun with a hint of serious thought for consideration.
Image used by permission: ©Parenting.LeeHansen.com
An insider (codename ‘CatTale’) recommended the
following tips for herding success:
1. Do not allow indoor cats outside – they will most
assuredly become lost indoor cats. Besides,
they kill birds – except your cat of course.
2. Never, corner a cat next to a tree, unless you have
the fire department with you.
3. The use of tasty dead fish remains will improve the
effectiveness of herding cats. Be cautious with dogs, however, as they will want to roll
in the fish carcass.
4. Herders need to be calm with cats and dogs especially when claws and fangs
are flashing. Cats are especially sensitive to signals from human emotions. If you are a scaredy-cat – don’t show it.
5. Use the right equipment. Dress as though you were
picking blackberries from plants with one-inch thorns.
6. Move cats and dogs together. Ok, I think our insider threw this tip in as a
joke. However, you are welcome to try it, just buy life insurance first.
7. Beware of teeth chattering by cats and snarling by
dogs. This means they are not happy you found them, they are frustrated they
have not captured any prey, or are just plain aggravated. If on the other hand
kitty rubs its head on you, this is a sign of ownership over YOU.
8. If some of the herd is, eating non-food items like
inedible plants, your pants, or your leg rest assured this may be due to a rare
condition in cats called pica. Nothing bad will happen to the cat as long as
you have had your shots. In addition, if one or more cats press their
paws and claws into you, this may be a sign they are happy or mad. Hope for the
prior.
9. Finding cats in particular can be a challenge. They
like to hide in small tiny spaces where they can best ambush their prey,
possibly even you. While dogs on the other hand can be heard coming at you like
a freight train. Never look/stare either kitty or doggy directly in the eye
(unless they are blinking their eyes at you) as this is an act of aggression. They
need their solitude and quiet and alone time. Why do you think they escaped
home to begin with?
10. Discreet
herding is called for. Whatever you do, do not post “lost or found cat or dog”
notices on FPF. This only encourages them to escape outdoors, and add claw
marks on the furniture to mark each successful FPF posting. Recent research has
uncovered a little-known fact: Dogs and especially cats love admiration. They
relish the extra attention that a lost cat or lost dog notice on the Front Page
Forum brings them. Bears are envious of
the number of cat and dog notices as compared to the number of postings for bears.
Notice the increasing bear seen postings. Bear herding anyone?
Note: 93 percent of dogs and 75 percent of cats reported lost were returned safely to their homes according to an ASPCA five-year study published in 2012. (Survey size 1015 pet households)
Postscript:
For those lucky enough to have wander less pets, please be considerate of other outdoor trail users and of wildlife when walking with your pets. Trails posted with signs indicating pets must be on a leash are for the benefit of wildlife as well as people.
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Emailed comments:
I've taken up herding bumble bees. They don’t have to be kept over winter as somehow they do that for themselves. I have a stand of Turtlehead and that’s my herding tool. The bumblebee, whether it is a he or a she, I have no idea, is herded by sunshine to the tightly closed pink turtlehead blossom and I urge it on, just say ‘come on, you can do it, getting it to force open the tightly shut blossom and crawl inside. There, it is penned. Why the turtlehead resists, I don’t know, as the bee covers itself in pollen and forces itself out after a minute and flies to the next tightly shut blossom. Doesn’t that plant want to be pollinated? S.L. Jericho
Bernie, you know that herding cats is like trying to lasso fish. P.B. Jericho
